Chronically Screwed.

My fucking insides.

Endometriosis, you make absolutely no sense.

What is wrong with you.

Mentally, this has been an incredibly tough year.

I have been forced to confront the reality of my situation. Accepting that yes, it has hard, and yes, I am struggling, has been a step. I still have a long way to go, but that is nothing new.

This is just another chapter.

queen--victoria asked: I am so sorry that you feel this way. I know it's hard to have your friends who are progressing, and you are just staying behind in the dark while they're reaching the light. I'll be praying for you, and I wish you the best, through this long period of trial.

thank you, love.

I have to admit, it’s hard hearing about other people who have felt a great amount of improvements with their symptoms. I am, obviously, happy for them. I’m glad to hear that they are catching up on lost time. They are able to commit to more work, school and social life. Isn’t that something that we all dream of?

But I can’t help feel something close to dread. I’m being left behind by them, too.

I still struggle with this feeling with most of my life-long friends. They, being healthy, are capable of doing more than I am. While I feel as though I have been stuck to the same spot, they’re having experiences that I have barely touched the surface of. At times, I feel like I am barely able to make a step while they’re running ahead effortlessly.

When I hear of someone with CFS/ME improving, it’s different. The thing is, I met most of my friends with CFS/ME because they have the illness. They were my ‘go to’ people. They were the ones who were in a similar situation to me. Unlike most of the people I know, they were stuck behind with me. Then I see them recovering. It’s harder. It adds a whole knew element to it. They weren’t my healthy friends, they were my sick friends. Now they’re my recovering friends. They’re the ones that don’t have time for this illness anymore.

And I wish I didn’t, either.

One step forward, two steps back.